So, what does a girl do when the cutest guy comes up to her and starts showing off without even asking her name? She just stands there and silently, “Uh huh, sure you did.” But because he’s so cute you let him think he’s lured you in like a fisherman reeling his biggest catch.
It’s not until my junior year in high school that his true colors began to show. A guy I thought so highly of. One who I could talk to and think he actually listened or cared. It took a one time trip outside the double doors of our church to find out, that he was nothing but a true jerk! What kind of guy, who acts nice to you for so many years, goes behind your back and make fun of a girl? That’s it. No, more nice girl. No more, I’m going to believe every word you say.
It was high time, I changed. Everyone thought that I could easily be mislead. Yes, I was mislead. But, not with everything. Just gave people the benefit of the doubt. Was that such a crime?
Heck no, it wasn’t. But it didn’t matter much when my own family didn’t place too much into, who I wanted to become or how I wanted to become it. I had a lot of trouble, when I was younger. I didn’t learn to read until my first term in a private school. I finally could read those Disney kids’ book by the time September came. Now, I can’t go anywhere without a book in my hands. My room is cluttered full of them. I never had the time nor privilege to test out the dating waters like my girlfriends or like my other peers were able to. That bucket list that every sixteen year old girl has…well, mine never happened.
I didn’t receive my first kiss, until I was twenty-two. Yeah, and even then it was with a guy, who turned out to be nothing but a player and a real jerk. I thought he was cool in the bad boy kind of way, but boy did I let boys get to me then. I practically skipped my college courses just to be with a boy. My family wouldn’t let me go away to college. It wasn’t like my grades in high school were that great. I barely scrapped with a 3.0 my senior year.
Anyway, I screwed up my college education and finally returned, after three years. I wasn’t sure what to do career wise. The small town college didn’t have the desired college degree I wanted. Oh yeah, English was my favorite class. I loved to write. I remembered always having a new poem to bring to my English class to show to my girlfriend, Tori, at the time. She would always ask, “how do you do it?”
Honestly, I didn’t have an answer. I just wrote. I stuck with poetry because it was like a secret diary that allowed me to let off steam whenever I needed to or to let down some of my greatest fears or let out my tears. I tried using a diary to write in every day. I did do that. But then, I spent so much time writing in it, that my grandmother went through and read random pages. Let’s just say, she didn’t like what I wrote. Even if it was the honest truth written down in there. Back then, I was always in trouble with my grandma. My dad would say think before you speak or act. It was common sense. He said it so much that I believed God just didn’t give me any and so next time they would say use common sense, and I would yell back saying I didn’t have any. They would then think I was dumber than before. Wow..great support. Family was always to have your back. In this case, it was I love you but you’re not going to make it far in anything with that attitude. I had an attitude? I never went around saying they needed common sense.
Okay so back to boys, I remember my eighth grade year, I was in science class. I saw this really cute guy. I saw him before but still didn’t know who he was other than we have been attending school together for a while. Our science teacher that year was nuts. What kind of science teacher has you watch boring videos because he’s too grouchy because his wife who also happened to be a science teacher was expecting? He was more worried about his basketball coaching stuff then teaching us students. Fine with me right? Well, one day our teacher told us that to make someone smile all we had to do was draw a smiley face on one finger and wiggle it while saying smile. I was about to roll my eyes at the cute guy and say, “Can you believe how lame this is?”
But just as I turned around to do so, the cute guy was busying testing out our science teacher’s lesson. And…it worked. I couldn’t stop smiling that day. After the day, we talked in class everything. I was still shell-shocked that a super cute guy who was also smart, funny, and charming didn’t mind talking to me in class or outside of class. It was nice. I went from feeling shy to enjoying the fact that he thought I was not invisible. It was a nice change. Not too many guys ever talked to me. Except for one other. And he turned out to be a jerk later on.
One day during lunch no matter what the cute guy did, I wouldn’t smile. Not even for the smiley face. So, he walked away and never sat with my girlfriends and I again. One of my first best friend that I ever made just looked at me like, “Are you insane?! Go after him!” But, I didn’t. I didn’t go after him. I was such an idiot and it wasn’t until our sophomore year in high school that I totally regretted that fatal day. One of the other girls, mentioned to me that he told her to tell me that he didn’t want to be friends anymore. I was shocked. I know now I shouldn’t have been that shocked but I was. I was really, really, really shocked. Other than the one day of being a bit down. I didn’t do anything to cause him to not want to be my friend. Right?
Well, I had to ask her to repeat it to me a few more times before the news took over and made feel worse. I was a waking talking disaster. Hopeless. Or was that a sign that my high school career would also be just as much as a disaster? I wasn’t sure. But a girl could dream right?